As a child, I had a shield of naivety protecting me from the grunt of their words. As I got older, experiencing more heartbreak, mockery, and doubt, that shield eventually broke, leaving me with no defense. Instead, I began listening to this demon as if it was gospel, hanging onto every word and letting it consume me to the point of tears and nausea. No matter what I did or how hard I pushed myself, it never stopped with its incessant whispers, constantly reminding me of my mistakes and flaws like it was evidence that I deserved no good in my life. That I deserved to be alone because I was just a nobody and had no value. And all I would bring to others is pain because I classified myself as “broken” due to my mental health.

However, with a newfound sense of maturity under my belt, I couldn’t help but ask myself: Was there more to this darker part of me, something I neglected to notice? I questioned if it really was as evil as I had imagined, and if all it wanted to do was hurt me. Through seeking help from loved ones and professionals, I started to realize it wasn’t as much of a villain as I had thought. Rather, this little demon of mine was just a scared broken child who didn’t want to get hurt or disappointed by the world around her.

I think this demon of mine believed that if I broke myself down far enough, to the point of emotional numbness, then nothing more in this world could hurt me. I wouldn’t have to set myself up for the same heartache I had experienced time and time again. Instead of waiting to be ditched or forgotten by close friends, I could cut them off and embrace the idea that I am better alone, even if the loneliness drags me deeper into depression. I could keep my heart closed off from potential romantic partners in order to save my heart from another pair of hands that wanted to use me or that tossed me away because I wasn’t as good as another. If I embrace the belief that my life has no meaning or purpose? And give in to all the darkness that’s clouding my soul? I’ll become so numb to it all that I’ll never have to feel anything again.

At least we assumed these experiences would be the same as the ones prior. Neither one of us thought with logic, only using our insecurities and anxiety to dictate our perspective on everything around us. It became hard to rationalize these thoughts, and remind ourselves that not everyone in our life is meant to hurt us. I understand how this wasn’t the healthiest of coping skills, and that this demon still caused me a lot of turmoil, but it does give me some clarity in realizing more of the intent behind this creature in my head.

There’s something good in recognizing the truth behind this little voice though. It gives me the chance to do some inner healing, finding new ways to help let go of my trauma while still learning to love myself, so that I never have to go back to this pattern again. More importantly? It increases my drive of wanting to fight more for myself rather than against. I don’t want to continue to be my own worst enemy, but rather my most trusted ally and confidant. It’s a small step in a long process, but it’s something I’m happy I recognize.

I could only hope others get to experience the same on their own journeys of healing, slowly learning more about why they have these little voices and what they could do to either put an end to them, or learn to work with them instead. I know this won’t just magically make things better, or make the darker episodes suddenly disappear, no matter how much I wish it did. It does change my perspective of this little demon though, and gives me a new goal to work towards: helping to redeem this soul so it could feel as light as any angel would. To turn her words filled with venom into ones filled with hope towards living a life we could be proud of, flaws and all. Once I’ve done that? Then perhaps the rest of my healing won’t be as treacherous as it seems.

So yes, this may be a demon right now who isn’t my greatest friend, but with time? It will start to look less scary, and won’t be as much of a villain anymore. The villains with redemption arcs are always the best ones to hear about after all, right?

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© Rowan Moskowitz