by Leopold Crow

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the belly of a whale is a metaphor.
this is what you tell yourself to feel better
about the ash lapping in and out at your feet,
gentle on the water. if you lay on your back
you can hear the sand in the hourglass ribs
falling. you dig for praise. you dig for flowers.
you scoop dark pebbles out of the sand.
this is not all.

you tell yourself this is a metaphor
about martyrs and grief and sacrifice.
you tell yourself about these metaphors
to make yourself feel better about
the ash lapping in and out of your feet.
you expose your belly. sometimes you feel
molten. something in you is always missing
and the worst part is,

you left someone behind.

you tell yourself you’ll be coming back for him –
it’s inevitable really, boundaryless:
narrative foils, unable to exist
without the other, dragging swords
through the sand as you go.
you tell yourself your brother is not a patient man
because that’s the only way you can think
of him right now. you wish you could tell yourself
it might be better this way.
you don’t think you can
hold any more promises in you. you are a martyr

but you are also tired and ever so very afraid.
you trace veins in your wrists and
pray to the stardust and mettle in you
to shape hands held steadfast together.
you do not pray to the universe.
you cannot pray to the universe anymore.
there’s echoes of each other haunting every story
you write, every mark he makes, every tear
that mixes with salt-water, with sky, with sand, and

your brother isn’t a patient man.
you haven’t heard from your sister in so long.
you tell yourself metaphors to hope you can breathe:
you know all of this, in your heart.

you cannot wait in the belly of the whale any longer.

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© Leopold Crow

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Leopold Crow (he/they) is a trans writer who can generally be found painting or talking someone’s ear off about Star Wars. More of his work can be found at leopold-crow.carrd.co.

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