by Rossana Segovia

‏‏‎ ‎

The only thing I could see was the little flames dancing in between my mom’s hands.

In a living room full of darkness, the loud voices of my family were the main focus, singing an uncoordinated attempt of “Happy Birthday” while my mom, with a sweet smile, placed the big white cake in front of me, I stared at it for a long minute while my aunts filled their camera rolls with blurry pictures of my lost eyes, counting the number of candles firmly fixed on the cream, an amount big enough to make me worry about my achievements in life.

My height is not shrinking, and my skin is not wrinkling, still, I feel old, incapable of finishing a task, and too weak to learn something new. I don’t crawl, and I can feed myself, but I can’t get rid of feeling lost and naive in my everyday routine.

When I was younger, I tried to be the best at everything but eventually got bored being second, third, or even last on the finish line “What am I doing wrong?” That’s a question that most of us, the ones who feel like we haven’t reached anywhere in life, ask in moments of desperation “Maybe I should try another hobby,” and that is how all the doubts and unanswered questions made me sit with my legs crossed and think without an ending line instead of taking action and improving in any area, and when I finally stood up after a long and useless reflection of what I was made for and looked in the mirror, I was already double of age.

Research confirms that little kids pick up new knowledge and skills way faster than grown-ups, and after remembering this fact, I started counting my age with my fingers: one, two, three years old, I barely knew how to walk; five, six, seven, the best ones in their niche were already starting to buy instruments and attend practice; eight, nine, ten, talented kids already had their first little diploma. I think I discovered this pattern too late, too old, and too unmotivated to start from scratch.

The claps of everyone when the birthday song finished brought me back to reality, making me jump on my place on the couch, and looking at the birthday cake in front of me, I thought, “I should have learned to bake younger,” maybe not baking but cooking, decorating, something, anything, even the dumbest sport or weirdest hobby, because it’s a fact that achievement is a universal feeling in all fields of life, and even though this one is full of obstacles it is overflowing with possibilities for us to be fulfilled and proud.

I don’t consider myself a conformist, but some people will understand that there is a point in life when the desperation to find “that” special thing consumes you, and you jump between arts and sports without knowing where you are walking anymore, hoping someone is going to grab your arm and make you stay because you are good at it. The truth is that the only person who’s going to make you stay is yourself, and no one else, not your friends nor your parents, you should stick by your own will and hard work.

“Make a wish!” my mom shouted with her hands pressed in excitement, happy for me to get one more year on earth, while I was anxious about the same thought.

I blew the candles with my eyes closed, hoping when I opened them again the corners of my house would be full of trophies or a shining gold medal would be swinging on my neck, but when I opened them, the flames were gone and the room was only filled with darkness. One more useless year was gone, disappearing with the light of the candles.

The mistake I made all these years is that I have been wasting all my energy thinking about my youth fading away rather than welcoming a new version of myself with hope and a warm hug.

I won’t tell the number on the cake because, after all, it doesn’t matter; age is a concept and success is not age-gated, feeling proud of ourselves does not have an expiry date, so do not force yourself to stop trying at a certain age: fail at sixty, win at three, keep trying at one hundred, or quit at twenty. Don´t you dare compare yourself to the life path of someone else because it is just going to make you distracted about yours. If everyone is so different the same pattern is not going to apply to us all the same way.

The reality is that we are way more focused on our time wasted than the time we remain to do something. Thinking about “Why I didn’t start sooner” is the perfect distraction to stare at a blank wall and do nothing while regretting doing nothing. The only thing that is going to help us find our path is walking and getting lost, not knowing where we are going but still moving forward, so fuck the number of candles, take a big bite, and with the sweet taste of a new age, stand up and go work because the starting line doesn’t ask for your age but only for someone with enough courage to take that first and scary step.

---

Rossana Segovia is an author currently based in the United States, specifically in Connecticut. As an international student, she brings a diverse perspective to her writing. With a passion for cooking, Rossana often incorporates this art form into her stories, adding rich layers of flavor to her narratives.

---

Share the love and wonder by making sure to respect the copyrights! Everything we publish belongs to the authors. You can share their texts via the official link. If you quote them, please credit them. If you wish to republish their work, you can always write to us and we will put you in direct contact with them. Supporting creativity starts with respecting those who create, so we thank you in advance for doing your part!