by Bella Giammalvo
I am so many people and they all hold hands in ache.
I think life is turning out to be so much deeper than you thought it could be. My anguish is palpable, and I carry it heavy in my eyes. Sadness is a current that slugs through my brain. But there is joy, there is so much joy everywhere. I remember it when Rhea says she played geometry dash for hours and I am reminded of that boy I loved in fall, when it still rained. And the twinge that happens because he was not cruel but kind, and stupid. It is worse when you are hurt by kind people, it is always worse. And I remember all the things that ever happened to me, carrying these memories in jars on my back. They are heavy and they are beautiful. I wish I could be another person so I could hug you. I wish I could go back in time and raise you as my own, hold your infant body and your toddler fingers. Kiss your nose when it was still small and protect your forehead from the bruises that would flower. I wish I could hug you until you came back into me and we were one body. Because we are one body but we are also seventeen years’ worth of bodies and there exists a different girl for every day and hour and minute I have lived. I am so many people and they all hold hands in ache. All of me grieves. I want you to know I love you and I’m sorry I don’t always. I am trying to be better. Myself recently wants to be kind. I am tired of being bitter and clutching thorns. I want to love you in the way I always should have. I want to love others in a way they can’t.
© Bella Giammalvo
Bella Giammalvo (she/her) is a Los Angeles-based student writer. She’s fond of pretty trinkets, the ocean at night, and lots of Lana Del Rey. Her writing illuminates the clash where future meets present, in an attempt to understand the struggle between support and intervention, self and other, and love and loss. Bella is a member of The 309 Collective, a group of young California poets, writers, musicians, and artists, as well as the host of Next Line Open Mic, a teens-only open mic celebrating young artists. Her work can be found on Cultural Daily and The309Collective.
Find her on Instagram @harajukulife37.
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